during the holidays David and Joy Rose of Hamlin told how the Rose family has traditionally celebrated the Christmas holiday. The children and grandchildren gather at their house after Christmas eve services for oyster stew, homemade cookies and the exchange of presents. The festive season really would start much earlier with a day on which Joy, their daughter, Debbie Molnar of Spencerport and her young daughter, Erica, would make those cookies. "So, those are things that won't be anymore," David said, referring to the fact that Debbie, at 32 years of age, suddenly and unexpectedly died last December 12, leaving her husband, Dave Molnar, and two young children, Erica (4) and Mark (19 months). "Well, we're still going to make Christmas cookies," Joy responded. "We are going to make that a tradition for all the grandchildren, getting them together to decorate cookies." David didn't really mean "those things won't be anymore." He was acknowledging that Debbie would no longer be there physically. Joy was affirming that the family will move on. There lies the crux of coping with grief in a season traditionally filled with joy and festivity. The Roses managed their grief and the Christmas season as best they could so soon after Debbie's funeral. David and Joy got together with Dave Molnar and their son, Greg, and his wife, Susan, who have two young children. "We decided we were going to make the best Christmas possible for the children," David said. "And even though their Mom wasn't there, Aunt Deb wasn't there, we were still going to go on and not make it a remorseful Christmas for them, but as happy as we possibly could." For John and Sue Zagata in the Town of Sweden, the passage of time has helped them cope with grief. More than a decade of time has eased the original pain of the first Christmas without their son, Mark, who died at age 18 on Labor Day, 1992, almost three years after his leg was amputated because of cancer. "It was horrible," Joan said of the first Christmas. He and Sue gave only glimpses of Mark's Christmas stocking, the Christmas tree ornaments that Mark had made, and "the empty place at the table." The house also seemed emptier in the absence of many people who would visit Mark before he died. Coping with grief during the holidays is not just making it through a tough period and coming out where you were before. From one holiday to another - and the time in between - the appropriate working through grief produces growth. "Predominantly I think people do grow in wisdom (through the grieving process)," Al Datro said. Datro is a counselor with a private practice in Brockport for 15 years. "If we face the essential suffering and deal with it effectively with the support of others, then we grow through the experience." I asked the Roses what growth and wisdom they have experienced through their grief in the relatively short time since Debbie died. "It definitely has made the family closer, especially with our son (Greg) and daughter-in-law (Sue)," David said about the couple who lives in Hilton with two young children. "They never leave here without hugging us." He added that "affection to one another has increased tremendously; we just don't take life for granted anymore." To Joy, cherishing life also means "don't put things off. If you're going to do something, do it." John and Sue Zagata also have grown in faith and wisdom gleaned from over a decade of coping with grief. "That emptiness and void that was in our life was filled with the Lord," John said, referring to many nights of prayer meetings at their church when the grief was new and raw. For Sue, "the presence of the Lord came down so strong." John reflected on their struggle and growth. "I just can't imagine going through something like this without faith in the Lord and the support we received from the whole community," he said. "There are those letters that we got that still make me cry - from people whose lives were touched." Today, the Zagatas have other reminders that the end of their son's life was an inspiration to many. As a junior and a football player at Brockport High, his leg was amputated in December. He returned in his senior year with a prosthesis to play the season and to graduate on schedule, receiving a standing ovation at the ceremony. His heroism was in the news. A plaque in Brockport High's weight room dedicates the facility to his memory. Each year, a graduating senior with proven courage receives the Mark Zagata Sports Award. Interviewed separately, both couples revealed that empathy is part of their growth, along with a desire to help others. "When someone else has a death in their family, you understand more of what they are going through," John said. "You can give them some words that help as others have helped us." Professionals in the community suggest that a simple memorial ritual can help families deal with grief during the holidays. Mark DuPré, associate pastor of Christ Community Church in Brockport, says that in the season of joy and with the presence of many family members, people often feel obligated to hide their pain. "It is critical that the feelings of grief among the family members not be avoided," DuPré said. He recommends that a time be set aside for the family "to embrace the memory and acknowledge that we are moving on." For example, the time could be just before going to the dinner table, letting each person share a brief memory. The type and place of a memorial will vary with each family, but it is a fixed period of time after which the family moves on with the festivities. Also, DuPré says the length and intensity of such a holiday memorial can diminish each year as grieving subsides over time. Al Datro also recommends the family "therapeutic ritual" be part of holiday gatherings. Families can deal with grief as the nation has. "Prior to 9/11, our culture promoted denying or minimizing the loss of a loved one in seasons when we 'should feel' happy," Datro said. "With the annual 9/11 memorial services held across the nation, we have learned to grieve openly as a nation through therapeutic rituals that help us to remember the lost, to acknowledge our life is going on, and to learn and grow from this process." A brief guide for coping with grief in the holidays
Note: Additional tips on coping with grief during the holidays can be found at www.suffervnaandhospice.org - click on "coping with holiday grief." |
